Why does it feel so hard to be confident in front of people?
We tend to think confidence is something you either have or you don’t, especially when we watch someone walk into a room and talk to anyone like it’s the easiest thing in the world. It’s easy to assume they were just born that way, but that’s not really true.
Confidence isn’t a personality trait only a lucky few get. It’s something you build through experience, and a big part of that is being willing to feel uncomfortable while you’re still learning.
A lot of what makes speaking hard is where your attention goes.
Instead of thinking about what you actually want to say, you start thinking about how you sound, and whether people are judging you. And the more you think about that, the harder it gets to speak naturally. Before you know it you’re not really talking to the audience anymore, you’re having a conversation with your own insecurities while they sit there and watch.
So here’s how you build confidence in public speaking, even when you’re nervous
Stop waiting to feel confident
Most times, we tell ourselves we’ll speak up once we feel a bit more ready, but the truth is that feeling doesn’t just come on its own. You don’t need confidence in you, before you speak. It’s something you build by speaking, so waiting for it only keeps you stuck…for a LONG time.
Your first time sharing an idea in a meeting might feel awkward, and your first big presentation might not go the way you planned. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have done it. It just means you’re learning, like everyone does. So cut yourself some slack.
Take my word for it and start small. Ask a question in your next meeting, or share an idea you’d normally keep to yourself. You don’t have to become the most confident person in the room overnight, you just have to keep giving yourself another chance to do it.
Stop treating every speaking opportunity like a performance
Not every conversation is a stage, and most of the people listening aren’t sitting there waiting for you to mess up. But we put so much pressure on ourselves to get the opening perfect and the explanation perfect that we end up with no attention left for what we actually came to say.
Here’s something that helps.
Instead of asking yourself whether you sound smart enough, ask yourself what you want this person to understand.
That one shift takes you out of performing and puts you back into having a conversation, which is a lot easier to do.
Practice speaking, not just preparing
There’s a big difference between knowing what you want to say and feeling comfortable saying it out loud. You can spend hours going over your notes and feel completely prepared, and then the moment you open your mouth it feels like a different thing altogether. That’s why practicing the actual speaking matters just as much as preparing.
So say it out loud. Record yourself explaining something for a couple of minutes, and when you listen back, try not to pick yourself apart. Just look for one thing you did well and one thing you’d like to do better next time.
The lesson I learned the hard way
Here’s a truth I don’t tell many people about one of the biggest competitions I’ve ever done, on an international stage. I’d prepared for weeks and I knew that speech inside out, but the second I walked on stage the spotlights hit my face and I couldn’t see a single person in the audience. All I could see was light, light and light.
I was sweating and I could feel my confidence slipping, but the speech kept going because I’d practiced it so many times that the words just kept coming out on their own.
I don’t have a fairy tale ending for you here. I didn’t win that competition, and I didn’t place either. But I didn’t fall apart up there, even with everything working against me, and I think that’s something anyone can do, not just people who are naturally calm under pressure.
It was only after I walked off stage that it hit me that I could have just paused before starting and told the organizers the lights needed adjusting. I never even thought of it in the moment, because when you’re that nervous it’s hard to think clearly enough to know what you’re allowed to ask for.
Learn to be comfortable with being imperfect
Confident speakers make mistakes too. They forget words and lose their train of thought just like everyone else, but the difference is they don’t let one slip turn into the whole story. Most mistakes are easy to recover from. You just pause, find your place again, and keep going, and you really don’t owe anyone an apology for a little hesitation.
Just trust yourself to keep going when things don’t go exactly as planned.
Stop assuming everyone is judging you
This one’s hard, especially if your fear comes from worrying about what people think. You might picture someone noticing your shaky hands or doubting you, but you can’t actually know what’s going on in everyone’s head. Some of them are listening closely, and some are probably just worrying about their own turn to speak.
Look, you don’t have to wake up one morning feeling fearless, and you don’t need to get rid of every nervous thought either. Just start speaking up when you’d normally stay quiet, and let yourself make mistakes along the way. That’s how it gets easier.
Because becoming a confident speaker was never really about getting rid of the nerves. It’s about getting to a point where being nervous doesn’t stop you from being heard.